The past, this presence, in the future

It finally dawned on me a few weeks ago as my father walked in to my home that I had a deep brokenness in relation those of the opposite sex. I recognize that I have a very childish way of interacting with those whom I do love who happen to be men. I did not see it clearly until I realized that I have pushed everyone who has ever tried to love me in the past 10 years.
Its thought provoking when I wonder what have I done wrong to deserve the silent treatment from my boyfriend or my ex husband. I know what I have done yet never acknowledged that my twisted and shattered reality is that I have hurt people in ways that they did not deserve simply because in my never ending state of mental illness, I felt like my heart broke, then it was stabbed, then someone threw a bomb at it; every time someone hurt my feelings.
I recognize finally that I lived in a state of constant fear and only when I was totally in love was I able to conquer my seemingly real- life nightmares; that were just made up delusions in my head. It is also awe-spiring that I have put some people in the hot pot for a while and they constantly tried to fight for me, with me, that they fought to show me the (other side of) reality. I thank you for your bravery, loving someone like me. I realized that nothing is really as it may seem. My heart can hurt but its just a small little nick in the fabric of time and space. That in the real actual life, that mountain ahead of me is just a little slope. that punch is just a flick, and that my reality isn't actually true but a pigment of my own very making.

I will never forget the few times when my very own doctors told me that I needed to be hospitalized because I am suffering from a psychotic episode because may it be my;  schizophrenia, Bi-polar disorder, or stress induced episode that causes me to have pressured speech, constant and overwhelming thoughts that I can not quite unscramble, and the tension in my heart that feels like someone is picking at my heart and my head with a jackhammer.
I am not sure how people see me, but I know I am a mess outwardly, the last few years. But I can say that I am a beautiful mind that no one can quite handle, untangle, or put together. I am like a work of Picasso; a very abstract and tangible work of emotions, moods,feelings, intelligence, philosophy, and beauty. not even the weirdest mixes of extremes and different ends of science or religions can tame this person I am. Not even Alberta Hospital Edmonton's many Specialists, psychiatrist, psychologists,  and social workers have figured me out.
I slip out of reality very sharply, yet smoothly. I dont even notice that the way I feel, think, or relay ideas is CRAZY. I even at times think its crazy that I am thinking straight.
It scares me that I came a long way from the person I was 10 or 20 years ago; yet feel totally the same. The struggle is real. As real as it gets for me.
I literally hated life and living as a sick child, then somehow I noticed the way I feel and the general treatment I got never quite aligned. Here I was scared to death of people; so scared I had panick attacks, and many ailments that were just symptoms of the never ending terminal condition that became my life; yet no one really understood why I never had friends, why I never talked in public, why I used to hide behind my mother and sisters... why amazingly my only friend was my Ma-Dit/Kac/Habobba. Because we were one. until half of me left with her.
The scariest realization is that I am still that child inside of me, and I have tried so hard through the years to outwardly possess the qualities that seemed opposite of that.
I studied everything I can think to imagine. From religion, philosophy, science, health, and even went as far as dying. Just so I can know why I came to be and why I am not like everyone else.... but specifically why everyone seemingly hated me that came to be in my life.
There is always a silver lining to the clouds! It finally dawned on me that when any difficulty comes to life; write, read, vent. whatever you need. Don't go do something stupid.... Just talk calmly and slowly and attempt to state the facts and talk it out.
Turns out that I am not as irrational as I thought. somethings are just better said and DONE!
Talk is a real thing that actually gets results.
So I don't want to make all my therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists loose their jobs but honestly there is always someone out there who is wiling to listen and give positive feedback. in my world, its my Baba. I don't even care about the past. it doesn't bother me so much that my past is just an illusive past reality. If you can meet in the middle anything and everything is achievable! I have never found more freedom, then the TRUTH! I love the fact that I am daddy's little girl and that we are working together to eradicate the lies in my own head and my life, to come to the reality.
And here I was thinking I was all messed up and unworthy of love. But clearly I am WORTHY. because The creator of this universe kept me up and alive for almost 29 years! :-D


Life is tough yet defiantly making strokes, and turning heads, turning pages, and writing new chapters!!!It may not be as bad as the luck and the  weird choices that transpired and ultimately inspired my upcoming book;
A Series of Unfortunate Events; The Real Life of AD(h)D!
keep your head up, even when all you see is the gray sky and the rain clouds and storms coming. you never know when something magical will happen!

Sending my love and my thoughts always. From the concrete Jungle in Alberta's capital,
ADD❤❤❤
Your Dinka girl that's Canadian bread and totally white washed :-S