No matter what year, what time, or how old I get, I still seem to never get "the right guy". I cant even say I'm disappointed when things don't work out, because honestly I knew it wouldn't from the start. the only frustration I ever seem to get is trying to love the "unlovables". The type that never seem to keep their word, or take you in the right path, or even be considerate(of me) with their actions. That is the saddest and the most awful part. I don't need anybody to tell me that I need a break from men again. I really just need to keep away from humans of the opposite sex. Because I tend to invest emotional effort and ties to them for it to all end up a waste of time. that is all.
From the first man I've ever loved, to the man I fell inlove with, to the man that I have children with, there has not been any luck with these people. I give a little, only for them to take alot. I give him my trust and he betrayed it, I give him my life & he destroys it, This is not at all what I call love.I know i can do much better and I can be a whole lot more useful with my time and emotions.
So, at almost 25 and like only a handful of serious relationships later I seem to understand very well that I need to simply let go altogether of the opposite sex and go back to my kind. Loving another woman was never this hard, and even letting go wasn't as difficult. So all I know is that the world has to be ready to have the first openly Gay South Sudanese chick this year. I see no reason to deny myself of what I've been depleting myself all these years. I see no reason as to why I cant be out of the box with my sexuality, or be open about my new choices. Honestly, Im not even going to waste time with being mad or being cross over any man in my life. Just take the BIG scissors and cut them out of your life! I can do bad all myself ;-)
With laughter, instead of frustration
ADD Garang
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Je t'aime et Je suis desole
For the one that I love,
Everyone of us had a moment when they sit still, and just venture into their inner depths. You do it seldom but there comes a day in everyone's life when you question everything you are and what you've done, and of course what your currently doing.
At the end of my journey with my mind and my heart, I had to question myself again at the person I am, and I am becoming. I didn't enjoy the change, so I decided that I had to look at the roots of it all.
Why I can't seem to love with all of me or why I do love the wrong person at the wrong place, and wrong time. The biggest thing I can think of is that I must need more healing or I am at a peak of the storm with my waves of healing that come over time.
Love is a four letter word that everyone says, without thinking and most of the time misuse for the word "like". I do it too. No one is perfect and I know that. Still, I couldn't put my lips to it; the reason why I loved a man with my all, yet can't seem to respond to his "I love you's".
Assuming that I hated him, and that I wanted nothing more of him, because I had a doubt of his love, sole based on just a couple of months of being physically together after some years. Never can I understand myself in some parts, and yet I feel like I have all the answers.
The thought of not being able to trust yourself with your own feelings, emotions, mind, and or body. That alone is a scary fact that I face very often.
The only root to all of this has already been plucked out of me years before. I came to terms with all the men who have hurt me along the long journey we call life. From early on, I've had precisely daddy issues. Up until now, I pay the price for the wrongs done to me, through my insecurities and the inability to trust a man wholly. I can't seem to escape the chaos that stirs in my own heart, when presented with the idea that a man can love me, for all that I am, children, Baby Fathers, siblings, and of course my attitude at times.
I decided that this year would be a year of change. That I wouldn't make any mistakes that are like the old ones, or that I wouldn't be the same I was last year. All the bullshit, drama, abuse, hate, misunderstandings, and distrust would never be repeated. So I am taking this opportunity to do something so much better and so much better. To love myself enough to allow a man to love me and to love him without boundaries, and without holding back. Since life is short, and life is so precious, I thought I'd let him know that I am not perfect, a little broken & fragile, but in love with all of him. Regardless of what he has done to me and around me. I have to love with no bounds, if I expect to live life like a queen. As my King is waiting for me to take my stand right next to him, not on some other side of a wall!. Come the end of this month, I expect that it will show just how different I've become( In a good way).
I love you, to not fight for Us.
XO
Everyone of us had a moment when they sit still, and just venture into their inner depths. You do it seldom but there comes a day in everyone's life when you question everything you are and what you've done, and of course what your currently doing.
At the end of my journey with my mind and my heart, I had to question myself again at the person I am, and I am becoming. I didn't enjoy the change, so I decided that I had to look at the roots of it all.
Why I can't seem to love with all of me or why I do love the wrong person at the wrong place, and wrong time. The biggest thing I can think of is that I must need more healing or I am at a peak of the storm with my waves of healing that come over time.
Love is a four letter word that everyone says, without thinking and most of the time misuse for the word "like". I do it too. No one is perfect and I know that. Still, I couldn't put my lips to it; the reason why I loved a man with my all, yet can't seem to respond to his "I love you's".
Assuming that I hated him, and that I wanted nothing more of him, because I had a doubt of his love, sole based on just a couple of months of being physically together after some years. Never can I understand myself in some parts, and yet I feel like I have all the answers.
The thought of not being able to trust yourself with your own feelings, emotions, mind, and or body. That alone is a scary fact that I face very often.
The only root to all of this has already been plucked out of me years before. I came to terms with all the men who have hurt me along the long journey we call life. From early on, I've had precisely daddy issues. Up until now, I pay the price for the wrongs done to me, through my insecurities and the inability to trust a man wholly. I can't seem to escape the chaos that stirs in my own heart, when presented with the idea that a man can love me, for all that I am, children, Baby Fathers, siblings, and of course my attitude at times.
I decided that this year would be a year of change. That I wouldn't make any mistakes that are like the old ones, or that I wouldn't be the same I was last year. All the bullshit, drama, abuse, hate, misunderstandings, and distrust would never be repeated. So I am taking this opportunity to do something so much better and so much better. To love myself enough to allow a man to love me and to love him without boundaries, and without holding back. Since life is short, and life is so precious, I thought I'd let him know that I am not perfect, a little broken & fragile, but in love with all of him. Regardless of what he has done to me and around me. I have to love with no bounds, if I expect to live life like a queen. As my King is waiting for me to take my stand right next to him, not on some other side of a wall!. Come the end of this month, I expect that it will show just how different I've become( In a good way).
I love you, to not fight for Us.
XO
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