I have never ever felt more at peace with being alone. All alone, just me and my thoughts. Not giving a care in the world about anyone else, that's what I thought anyways. Here I was this morning, walking, cleansing, and being just silly little me. Then BAM! I think about the very painful truth. I don't have a clue on why or how it happened.
Here I was walking for 5 minutes, tears rolling down my face, feeling a sense of hope. Thinking about whether to live right or not anymore. Why it is that I am a hopeless romantic? why it is that I've loved someone through so much? and now where is he again when I have to go through so much bullshit.
The most painful thought I have ever had was why do I love but love hurts me so much? How come I can't have an ideal life, an ideal story to tell? why must it be so hard all the time? Not a single depressed bone in me, I took that pain and reminded myself of why it is that I live.
I to this day don't know why it is that I still believe in a love that was for the ages. Why it is that I want to so badly, believe in a miracle when hope is so frail.
I haven't been the best person in the world, I may even say one of the most crooked and wickedest ones in my eyes. But I don't believe that God himself can turn his back on me, no matter how far I run, or how many wrongs I've done. Its just incredibly hard to believe that he turned it around in one point, and because I've screwed it all up he wont help me again. But this love that he gave me, the will to endure so much all for the name of love is incredibly. That's what I want to believe in again. A love that leads you to paradise one day. I am worth that. I am worth waiting for, forgiving, and fighting for. Now why isn't he doing that right now?
