I found a man that figured our where I am in that cycle, and how to keep himself safe from the evil side of me. Even more surprisingly, he loves me through it.
But I can't put him through that kind of treatment any longer. He does deserve a whole better then the basket case I've become over the last couple of months. It had nothing to do with him at all. Lord I wish I would of met him sooner, so that he can have the complete, less tainted, less hurt me.
What I'm trying to say is even though my relationship with my ex had ended long ago, I have scars that just won't go away completely. It's more evident when I'm around him. Unfortunately for me he just like to push my buttons. His main objective whenever he sees his children is to make sure that I'm miserable and feeling some sort of anger or pain. Having children with a rather boundary crossing, manipulative, controlling, and psychotic, and utter waste of human life form makes me tainted as a human being. You can only endure so much as a woman, before it truly rots your very core. I made that mistake 7 years ago, by mistaking his resilience to the word no, with some sorta infatuation. Yes that was the totally naive, dumbass form of myself. You only love once, they all say. Really at the end of the day, I can't change what has happened, the experience I've had, and Hurt I endured. Nothing hurts more then knowing that my pain hurts the only person I truly love.
I live each day regretting the things I've said, I've written and sent, and of course hurting someone by comparing them to their opposition. I often ask myself what went wrong and what have I done?
The only question is how do I heal? How do I truly get over it? And how do I forgive myself for the things I've done? I'm not an evil person, just a wreck less person when emotionally distraught.
I want to learn from my mistakes and never repeat them. So I take a vow today to never look back, only look to the future and Remember that it's me and The Lord.
Choose your words wisely, for they can be sharper then knives, hotter then fire, and can shake the foundation of any relationship when used.
- Adut 
