The past, this presence, in the future

It finally dawned on me a few weeks ago as my father walked in to my home that I had a deep brokenness in relation those of the opposite sex. I recognize that I have a very childish way of interacting with those whom I do love who happen to be men. I did not see it clearly until I realized that I have pushed everyone who has ever tried to love me in the past 10 years.
Its thought provoking when I wonder what have I done wrong to deserve the silent treatment from my boyfriend or my ex husband. I know what I have done yet never acknowledged that my twisted and shattered reality is that I have hurt people in ways that they did not deserve simply because in my never ending state of mental illness, I felt like my heart broke, then it was stabbed, then someone threw a bomb at it; every time someone hurt my feelings.
I recognize finally that I lived in a state of constant fear and only when I was totally in love was I able to conquer my seemingly real- life nightmares; that were just made up delusions in my head. It is also awe-spiring that I have put some people in the hot pot for a while and they constantly tried to fight for me, with me, that they fought to show me the (other side of) reality. I thank you for your bravery, loving someone like me. I realized that nothing is really as it may seem. My heart can hurt but its just a small little nick in the fabric of time and space. That in the real actual life, that mountain ahead of me is just a little slope. that punch is just a flick, and that my reality isn't actually true but a pigment of my own very making.

I will never forget the few times when my very own doctors told me that I needed to be hospitalized because I am suffering from a psychotic episode because may it be my;  schizophrenia, Bi-polar disorder, or stress induced episode that causes me to have pressured speech, constant and overwhelming thoughts that I can not quite unscramble, and the tension in my heart that feels like someone is picking at my heart and my head with a jackhammer.
I am not sure how people see me, but I know I am a mess outwardly, the last few years. But I can say that I am a beautiful mind that no one can quite handle, untangle, or put together. I am like a work of Picasso; a very abstract and tangible work of emotions, moods,feelings, intelligence, philosophy, and beauty. not even the weirdest mixes of extremes and different ends of science or religions can tame this person I am. Not even Alberta Hospital Edmonton's many Specialists, psychiatrist, psychologists,  and social workers have figured me out.
I slip out of reality very sharply, yet smoothly. I dont even notice that the way I feel, think, or relay ideas is CRAZY. I even at times think its crazy that I am thinking straight.
It scares me that I came a long way from the person I was 10 or 20 years ago; yet feel totally the same. The struggle is real. As real as it gets for me.
I literally hated life and living as a sick child, then somehow I noticed the way I feel and the general treatment I got never quite aligned. Here I was scared to death of people; so scared I had panick attacks, and many ailments that were just symptoms of the never ending terminal condition that became my life; yet no one really understood why I never had friends, why I never talked in public, why I used to hide behind my mother and sisters... why amazingly my only friend was my Ma-Dit/Kac/Habobba. Because we were one. until half of me left with her.
The scariest realization is that I am still that child inside of me, and I have tried so hard through the years to outwardly possess the qualities that seemed opposite of that.
I studied everything I can think to imagine. From religion, philosophy, science, health, and even went as far as dying. Just so I can know why I came to be and why I am not like everyone else.... but specifically why everyone seemingly hated me that came to be in my life.
There is always a silver lining to the clouds! It finally dawned on me that when any difficulty comes to life; write, read, vent. whatever you need. Don't go do something stupid.... Just talk calmly and slowly and attempt to state the facts and talk it out.
Turns out that I am not as irrational as I thought. somethings are just better said and DONE!
Talk is a real thing that actually gets results.
So I don't want to make all my therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists loose their jobs but honestly there is always someone out there who is wiling to listen and give positive feedback. in my world, its my Baba. I don't even care about the past. it doesn't bother me so much that my past is just an illusive past reality. If you can meet in the middle anything and everything is achievable! I have never found more freedom, then the TRUTH! I love the fact that I am daddy's little girl and that we are working together to eradicate the lies in my own head and my life, to come to the reality.
And here I was thinking I was all messed up and unworthy of love. But clearly I am WORTHY. because The creator of this universe kept me up and alive for almost 29 years! :-D


Life is tough yet defiantly making strokes, and turning heads, turning pages, and writing new chapters!!!It may not be as bad as the luck and the  weird choices that transpired and ultimately inspired my upcoming book;
A Series of Unfortunate Events; The Real Life of AD(h)D!
keep your head up, even when all you see is the gray sky and the rain clouds and storms coming. you never know when something magical will happen!

Sending my love and my thoughts always. From the concrete Jungle in Alberta's capital,
ADD❤❤❤
Your Dinka girl that's Canadian bread and totally white washed :-S

Happy Birthday Kingston!

It's February 12, 2019.
Today marks my brother's sons 11th birthday. I am so sad that he doesn't truely know his father for who he really is. My brother Thiik (Mangisto) is one of the best people I know. He is kind, fun-loving, gentle, ingeniously witted, Frank and strong. I wish that people would stop sometimes and not give him labels like; criminal, mentally ill, dead beat father, addict, effortless.
So for my son Kingston; I wanted to remember that your mom somehow fell inin love with brother who in her option and of many people; ain't worth shit.  I can say that without a doubt that you were made in the bestest of places. In your mother's heart, soul, and womb.  She is awesome .and her judgement wasn't wrong when she made you. You are the greatest gift anyone has brought my brother and his only hope and wish or a better future.  You are hands down everyone's whish for a child as well mannered, strong, intelligent , and kind as they come.
I am missing you dearly when you're not around Isaiah,Areng, and Tereza.
We wish to so many happy moments and so much joy for this day. We thank God for your life and who you will become. Happy birthday Kingston Coo-bear😋

There is no winning when it comes to men

No matter what year, what time, or how old I get, I still seem to never get "the right guy". I cant even say I'm disappointed when things don't work out, because honestly I knew it wouldn't from the start. the only frustration I ever seem to get is trying to love the "unlovables". The type that never seem to keep their word, or take you in the right path, or even be considerate(of me) with their actions. That is the saddest and the most awful part. I don't need anybody to tell me that I need a break from men again. I really just need to keep away from humans of the opposite sex. Because I tend to invest emotional effort and ties to them for it to all end up a waste of time. that is all.
From the first man I've ever loved, to the man I fell inlove with, to the man that I have children with, there has not been any luck with these people. I give a little, only for them to take alot. I give him my trust and he betrayed it, I give him my life & he destroys it,  This is not at all what I call love.I know i can do much better and I can be a whole lot more useful with my time and emotions.
So, at almost 25 and like only a handful of serious relationships later I seem to understand very well that I need to simply let go altogether of the opposite sex and go back to my kind. Loving another woman was never this hard, and even letting go wasn't as difficult. So all I know is that the world has to be ready to have the first openly Gay South Sudanese chick this year. I see no reason to deny myself of what I've been depleting myself all these years. I see no reason as to why I cant be out of the box with my sexuality, or be open about my new choices. Honestly, Im not even going to waste time with being mad or being cross over any man in my life. Just take the BIG scissors and cut them out of your life! I can do bad all myself ;-)

With laughter, instead of frustration
ADD Garang

Je t'aime et Je suis desole

For the one that I love,

Everyone of us had a moment when they sit still, and just venture into their inner depths. You do it seldom but there comes a day in everyone's life when you question everything you are and what you've done, and of course what your currently doing.
At the end of my journey with my mind and my heart, I had to question myself again at the person I am, and I am becoming. I didn't enjoy the change, so I decided that I had to look at the roots of it all.
Why I can't seem to love with all of me or why I do love the wrong person at the wrong place, and wrong time. The biggest thing I can think of is that I must need more healing or I am at a peak of the storm with my waves of healing that come over time.
Love is a four letter word that everyone says, without thinking and most of the time misuse for the word "like". I do it too. No one is perfect and I know that. Still, I couldn't put my lips to it; the reason why I loved a man with my all, yet can't seem to respond to his "I love you's".
Assuming that I hated him, and that I wanted nothing more of him, because I had a doubt of his love, sole based on just a couple of months of being physically together after some years. Never can I understand myself in some parts, and yet I feel like I have all the answers.
The thought of not being able to trust yourself with your own feelings, emotions, mind, and or body. That alone is a scary fact that I face very often.
The only root to all of this has already been plucked out of me years before. I came to terms with all the men who have hurt me along the long journey we call life. From early on, I've had precisely daddy issues. Up until now, I pay the price for the wrongs done to me, through my insecurities and the inability to trust a man wholly. I can't seem to escape the chaos that stirs in my own heart, when presented with the idea that a man can love me, for all that I am, children, Baby Fathers, siblings, and of course my attitude at times.
I decided that this year would be a year of change. That I wouldn't make any mistakes that are like the old ones, or that I wouldn't be the same I was last year. All the bullshit, drama, abuse, hate, misunderstandings, and distrust would never be repeated. So I am taking this opportunity to do something so much better and so much better. To love myself enough to allow a man to love me and to love him without boundaries, and without holding back. Since life is short, and life is so precious, I thought I'd let him know that I am not perfect, a little broken & fragile, but in love with all of him. Regardless of what he has done to me and around me. I have to love with no bounds, if I expect to live life like a queen. As my King is waiting for me to take my stand right next to him, not on some other side of a wall!. Come the end of this month, I expect that it will show just how different I've become( In a good way).
I love you, to not fight for Us.
XO

love or hate?

I have never ever felt more at peace with being alone. All alone, just me and my thoughts. Not giving a care in the world about anyone else, that's what I thought anyways. Here I was this morning, walking, cleansing, and being just silly little me. Then BAM! I think about the very painful truth. I don't have a clue on why or how it happened.
Here I was walking for 5 minutes, tears rolling down my face, feeling a sense of hope. Thinking about whether to live right or not anymore. Why it is that I am a hopeless romantic? why it is that I've loved someone through so much? and now where is he again when I have to go through so much bullshit.
The most painful thought I have ever had was why do I love but love hurts me so much? How come I can't have an ideal life, an ideal story to tell? why must it be so hard all the time? Not a single depressed bone in me, I took that pain and reminded myself of why it is that I live.
I to this day don't know why it is that I still believe in a love that was for the ages. Why it is that I want to so badly, believe in a miracle when hope is so frail.
I haven't been the best person in the world, I may even say one of the most crooked and wickedest ones in my eyes. But I don't believe that God himself can turn his back on me, no matter how far I run, or how many wrongs I've done. Its just incredibly hard to believe that he turned it around in one point, and because I've screwed it all up he wont help me again. But this love that he gave me, the will to endure so much all for the name of love is incredibly. That's what I want to believe in again. A love that leads you to paradise one day. I am worth that. I am worth waiting for, forgiving, and fighting for. Now why isn't he doing that right now?

July 17😔

This is my moms birthday I miss her more then anyone can imagine. With all that's going around in my world. Life is too hard trying to be her when I can't be her.

I found out the hard way that in this world, it will only be your mother who will care for you fully, and unconditionally. The only friend who will fight you and still love you. 

She didn't only give birth to me, she has given me her heart for the nations that calls for justice.

Living in a world where I am wronged not only by people but also by the system. I cannot sit and be silenced. I will call out truth in love but be firm. Nothing can shake me, and the search for truth and justice. My personal struggles will continue and my heart will hurt. Hurt in knowing that this is not the life that we were meant to live, that this world can not be so much harder just because I am a woman, I am black, and I am beautiful. 

My mother's heart in me yearns for all and every injustice in my world, and the rest. 

Dedicating my life to a bigger cause, and this day to my beloved and fallen hero: 

Rest in peace Mamma

July 17, 1960 - September 22, 2012

Self sabotage, no more

I often go between cycles of self destruction, homicidal tendencies, introverted tendencies, psychotic tendencies, angel like self, criminal masterminding, control freak, and whatever between. 

I found a man that figured our where I am in that cycle, and how to keep himself safe from the evil side of me. Even more surprisingly, he loves me through it. 

But I can't put him through that kind of treatment any longer. He does deserve a whole better then the basket case I've become over the last couple of months. It had nothing to do with him at all. Lord I wish I would of met him sooner, so that he can have the complete, less tainted, less hurt me. 

What I'm trying to say is even though my relationship with my ex had ended long ago, I have scars that just won't go away completely. It's more evident when I'm around him. Unfortunately for me he just like to push my buttons. His main objective whenever he sees his children is to make sure that I'm miserable and feeling some sort of anger or pain. Having children with a rather boundary crossing, manipulative, controlling, and psychotic, and utter waste of human life form makes  me tainted as a human being. You can only endure so much as a woman, before it truly rots your very core. I made that mistake 7 years ago, by mistaking his resilience to the word no, with some sorta infatuation. Yes that was the totally naive, dumbass form of myself. You only love once, they all say. Really at the end of the day, I can't change what has happened, the experience I've had, and Hurt I endured. Nothing hurts more then knowing that my pain hurts the only person I truly love. 

I live each day regretting the things I've said, I've written and sent, and of course hurting someone by comparing them to their opposition. I often ask myself what went wrong and what have I  done?

The only question is how do I heal? How do I truly get over it? And how do I forgive myself for the things I've done? I'm not an evil person, just a wreck less person when emotionally distraught. 

I want to learn from my mistakes and never repeat them. So I take a vow today to never look back, only look to the future and Remember that it's me and The Lord. 

Choose your words wisely, for they can be sharper then knives, hotter then fire, and can shake the foundation of any relationship when used.

- Adut